I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
