Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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