haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
