Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
