We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
