I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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