I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
