ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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