I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We were destined to go to rehab together
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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