I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
