She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
