Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize