the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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