Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
