I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize