I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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