Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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