Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
