I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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