I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize