she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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