i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
