the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
