dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
