Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
