Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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