I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
