whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think people are normalizing furries
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
