Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
