I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
