The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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