It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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