My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
