I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
