He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
