Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
