Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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