i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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