if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
