dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
