Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
