Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
