My liver just broke up with me...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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