I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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