so explain again why im purple
no
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So squirting runs in the family.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
