i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
