There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
