and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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