I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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