I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
meet me or not, i'm out of control
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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