He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
