i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
