She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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