The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
