so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
