I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
