just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
