It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
