I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize