I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize