my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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