Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
