I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
