Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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