This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
