Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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